2017 was tough on my faith. I was enraged. Much earlier that year, I’d had a short, simple conversation with another believer about predestination. What I didn’t realize was that that conversation had set me on a path of doubt. All of a sudden I wondered if God was really a con-master who had just put us in His world as puppets acting exactly how we wanted us to act, specifically handpicking some people for salvation, just like my friend had said. All of a sudden it was really annoying that I was living my entire life ‘sacrificially’ for God, constantly praying for people to be saved, doing all I could to send the gospel out to anyone I could find, when all of this was avoidable. What killed it for me was that I didn’t choose to be here. I didn’t get to choose whether or not I was interested in doing this earth thing. I was just plunged here and forced to live, with repercussions for every choice I make. I had no doubt about God’s existence or that Jesus died and rose or that He’d come again and we’d be reunited with Him. My anger was in the fact that this good God I thought was love had made a choice that looked like He was more selfish than He was love.
What’s funny is, in my final year in school the year before, while I was still absolutely in love with God, I had been asking Him one question all year long. I kept asking if He’d chase me like a man chases a woman he loves if I ever strayed. I mean I knew the scriptures, and I’d repeat them to Him sometimes and tell Him I wanted to know personally, not like a generic scripture for everyone [yes I’m a very jealous person😏]. One day just before it was time to complete, I went to the rooftop of my church to talk to God about something completely unrelated. Somewhere in the middle of worshipping, I had the most tangible encounter with Jesus that I still have ever had. In the midst of a lot of light, it felt like an embrace but at the same time the Lord was standing directly opposite me with tears in His eyes. His heart was bright dark shade red like blood and in flames at the same time. His lips did not move, but I heard Him say, ‘Ewuradwoa I will fight for you’. I wept like a baby for about the next hour if not more, carried myself and remained in awe for weeks after that. So you’d think in the very next year when I was experiencing all these anger pangs at how God isn’t all good after all, that I’d remember this encounter. Jack, it didn’t even click!😂 I was mad! I spoke to several people to try to find an answer of some sort that made it just a little better, that made God look just a little less inconsiderate. I’ll tell you this: nothing they said made sense. Nothing answered my questions. And in the midst of all of this, I really wished I didn’t exist, that I wasn’t alive. Really, what was the purpose of being alive? To waste time in school, drag yourself through life as an adult, maybe make some good money, enjoy temporary luxuries and then die? And then that’s it? That was all? Honestly, I wasn’t interested. I’d rather be asleep in non-existence. If I’d got the choice to choose being alive and not existing at all, I’d choose the latter.
Did I ever get answers that bounced me back? Nope! How did I get over this phase? I have no idea, fam!😂 Am I about to release some deep keys? Koo, please calm down.💆🏽♀️😂 But I did wake up one day and have an epiphany!
I realized if I never existed, I’d never meet God! [I lowkey still really loved Him. Don’t judge me; it was a complicated relationship😂].
If I didn’t exist, I’d never meet God. That was a tough one to pass on. I still wanted to meet Jesus, to look Him in the face, to smile at Him and watch Him smile back at me. I still really wanted to hear what His laughter sounded like. And if I didn’t already know the answer in my spirit by then, possibly ask Him why they took the decision to allow things to go the way they did. Still sitting in my heart were the tiny glimpses of being alone with Him, just He and I and how warm and honest those moments felt. You know how they say people may forget what you say but not how you make them feel? Yeah. I still carried in my heart the warmth I felt on certain nights after I had cried quietly to Him about things I felt misunderstand over. It’s like He was rubbing my back while I slept. I woke up with a literal breath of life over me. I still carried those moments in my heart when I couldn’t explain what was going on in my head but I could sense that He was just there, sometimes sitting as close as my skin was to me in silence and understanding every word I wasn’t saying. There was a sincerity and purity of intention that came with those experiences; I couldn’t put them to words but I couldn’t pretend they didn’t happen. Have you ever seen a parent look at his/her suffering child with such emotion in his/her eyes, as though if he could take the pain, he’d gladly be the one bearing that pain? I felt that sincerity every single time. It felt pure; it felt genuine. It felt unconditional.
And I wanted that forever.
Amid the epiphany was another epiphany. I thought about my mum. I thought; if I went home one day to find that she’d thrown my bags out and asked that I never returned home, I would be enraged, but I’d reckon this must have been necessary for a really good reason. And even if I could not readily get an explanation from her for what looked like a cruel decision, I knew when I eventually got the opportunity to hear her out, it would make all the sense that she would take such a decision. And this was true because I trusted that she really did love me, and she did actually do what was needful. If I could trust the love of a created being, and I believed that a created being could love me this much, then those little love moments I’d had with Jesus could not be a lie. I still don’t remember what melted the anger away. But this I know:
That God is true. That God does love me. That what He has said is true. That when He does appear, I will be just like Him for I shall see Him as He is [1 John 3:2]. That I get to live in love with Him forever. That I will see His face with my very eyes, and that His name will be written forever on my forehead. That He will shine on me [and my ignorance] forever [Revelation 22:3-4].
And that’s enough for me. Let every man be a liar and God be true! I’ll wait for another couple of years with my questions if that’s what it takes to be with Him forever.
…….And that’s what a true bride says to her bridegroom. You are loved.!!!! You’ve expressed the father’s thoughts in words… I’m humbled whenever I read your pieces. God bless you
…….And that’s what a true bride says to her bridegroom. You are loved.!!!! You’ve expressed the father’s thoughts in words… I’m humbled whenever I read your pieces. God bless you
God bless you too, boov! I’m highly encouraged whenever I read your comments! ❤❤
I’ve had these thoughts on several occasions. I really didn’t ask to be here but I’ve still not received answers as to why I’m here. Reading this piece, I hope I’m guided and I eventually get answers.
Thank you Sisrie❤. God bless you.
I’ve had these thoughts on several occasions. I really didn’t ask to be here but I’ve still not received answers as to why I’m here. Reading this piece, I hope I’m guided and I eventually get answers.
Thank you Sisrie❤. God bless you.
I sure hope you find something worth clinging onto Sis! God bless you too😘❤
You are blessed.
Amen! God bless you too!
You are blessed.
Amen! God bless you too!
I shared this post and a friend who read it also said he’s currently in this state of questions about God, existence etc… Billy Graham got here too, while in ministry. He even questioned the credibility of the bible. But he came out stronger and more in love with God. Rad thanks for your honesty in sharing this with us. Bless you.
It’s a tough place to be. Jesus is already keeping your friend; I pray clings on! God bless you Proph!❤
I shared this post and a friend who read it also said he’s currently in this state of questions about God, existence etc… Billy Graham got here too, while in ministry. He even questioned the credibility of the bible. But he came out stronger and more in love with God. Rad thanks for your honesty in sharing this with us. Bless you.
It’s a tough place to be. Jesus is already keeping your friend; I pray clings on! God bless you Proph!❤
Wow nice prose poem. You battled depression from doubt in your faith by regaining your faith. Wish it was that easy to deal other sources of depression, but we all find a way. God bless you too
Never looked at it that way🤔 But God comes through in all manner of ways. We’ll be fine. God bless you too! ❤
Wow nice prose poem. You battled depression from doubt in your faith by regaining your faith. Wish it was that easy to deal other sources of depression, but we all find a way. God bless you too
Never looked at it that way🤔 But God comes through in all manner of ways. We’ll be fine. God bless you too! ❤
God bless you for your love and strength by which you write this piece. Its a great word. Stay bless
Amen Henry! God bless you too for the feedback! ❤
God bless you for your love and strength by which you write this piece. Its a great word. Stay bless
Thanks for writing this piece . Bless you.
Bless you too Cathy!