BEFORE YOU LEAVE… OR LOVE AGAIN

Matthew is recording the account of his experience with Jesus to the Jews. He recounts an interesting interaction between Jesus and some Pharisees.^{Mt 19} The Pharisees, as usual, are trying to trap Jesus. Their topic of choice this time – divorce.

³“Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?”

This wasn’t a silly question. The context of this question stemmed all the way back to Deuteronomy 24 and a longstanding argument among the Jews about what constituted valid ground(s) for divorce:

“When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favour in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her,  and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, ² when she has departed from his house, and goes and becomes another man’s wife, ³ if the latter husband detests her and writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her as his wife, ⁴ then her former husband who divorced her must not take her back to be his wife after she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the Lord, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance.”

I know it sounds as though Moses is sanctioning divorce, but the historical context of this law was that the men of Israel were said to casually send their wives packing by word of mouth. All a Jewish man had to do prior to this law was to tell his wife “I divorce you” and that was it – she was no longer his wife. Divorce was already predominant and even flippant, and so like we will hear Jesus later say, Moses merely permitted it, and provided what rather was intended to be some protection for wives at the time – first in the form of a Certificate of Divorce and then a ban on going back for her (in order to curtail their frivolous sending away).

Now the basis of the Pharisees’ question was this – the followers of Jewish Rabbi Shammai interpreted “lost favour/uncleanness” solely as adultery and so believed that the only valid ground for divorce was adultery. The followers of Rabbi Hillel interpreted same as anything that displeased a husband – from burning a pot of stew to finding a more attractive woman.

I find Jesus’ answer profound but also terrifying for anyone who is or intends to enter into marriage and live by scripture. This was Jesus’ answer:

⁴ “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ ⁵and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?  So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

⁷ Them: “Why then did Moses command to give a Certificate of Divorce, and to put her away?”

⁸ Jesus: “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 

And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and MARRIES ANOTHER, COMMITS ADULTERY; and whoever MARRIES HER WHO IS DIVORCED COMMITS ADULTERY.”

I don’t know if it’s hit home yet but what Jesus is saying is wild. He’s literally saying divorce was never in the options – except for sexual immorality. As F.J Dakes put it, such sexual immorality was the only thing that rendered a marriage contract null and void, as though it never existed. Jesus had essentially just said any other ground for divorce was an invalid ground, which meant that although a Certificate of Divorce may have been legally issued, the marriage remained valid, and subsisted in God’s sight, which naturally meant any subsequent marriage to any other person amounted to adultery against the initial spouse!

That’s wild! I doubt that I have ever mentioned here, but I practice law as a profession. Divorce – even in this typically conventional part of the world – is really not that deep! All it takes nowadays is filing a petition or simply going to fill out forms. Show up in court just once (if you have a lawyer), document what you want to do with any shared properties or kids if you have any, submit it to the court, and in a matter of weeks, if there’s no drama, you’re as free as a bird to legally remarry as you please. In fact, the last divorce I handled as a lawyer involved a wife who really had no real complaint – she insisted she simply wasn’t happy in the relationship and wanted out.

Which is why this assertion by Jesus is flustering for anyone who takes His teachings seriously. There admittedly was a time when the idea of divorce was a big deal, but in contemporary times, even among believers, it really really carries very little weight. In fact, some of the most prominent leaders in the Body have themselves made that election for different reasons, which has brought a certain level of legitimacy to divorce if we’re honest – it suddenly no longer looks too bad. Of course, this is not a call to finger-point or revive the terrible stigma that used to surround divorce. It really is an attempt to awaken the Body not to lose awe for the sanctity of marriage simply because we see an increase in the prevalence of divorces in our age. It is important to constantly remind ourselves that marriage, adultery and divorce are still very serious things in God’s eyes, whether it feels good to admit or not.

Paul reaffirmed Jesus’s position much later as a command from the Lord to new believers, who thought that the idea of marriage itself was a sin, but proceeded to offer his own counsel to new believers who had been deserted by their unbelieving spouses:

^{1 Cor 7:10} Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. ¹¹But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife. (This restates Jesus’ principle)

¹² But to the rest I, not the Lord, say … ¹⁵If the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.

Interestingly, Paul doesn’t categorically say what being “no longer bound” means for such a person. Could they remarry without flouting the general principle? Kenneth Hagin and a few other commentators appear to answer this in the affirmative, suggesting that such persons were no longer bound by the covenant they took with the unbelieving spouse and were thus no longer one body with them. For what it’s worth, it may be useful to keep in mind that assuming this were even true, Paul is clear to disclaim and indicate this as his counsel, not a command from God, and does not categorically direct such persons to remarry if they will, but rather gives a rule for all churches – “each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you.” ^{1 Cor 7:17}

Now of course, there are nuances in there that are not lost on me. The first of such is the idea that Jesus said “if a man divorces his wife…” I know one mischievous person would argue that the principle perhaps applies only when it is the man who divorces his wife, and not the other way round.

In first-century Judaism, women did not have a right to divorce their husbands. A wife was unfortunately acquired almost as property, and just as easily discarded. In fact, men were disposing off their wives for unbelievably frivolous reasons, and in some cases, even engaged in wife swapping (which is why Moses forbade a man from taking back the wife he put away after she had been with another man). These divorces had gone on for so long and with such ease that the disciples’ (not the Pharisees who asked the question) response to Jesus’s answer was ¹⁰‘If such is the case, it is better not to marry.” 😂 The disciples of Jesus would rather not marry than to marry and have to be stuck with one woman. Hei!😂 Interestingly, Jesus agreed with the difficulty of the saying, admitting that it was a hard teaching and not all could accept it. ^{Mt 19:11}

So, while I hear this mischievous person’s literal interpretation, it is not supported by subsequent scriptures. The question posed to Jesus was specific – “Can a man…” Jesus’ answer was specific to the questions asked in the specific Jewish context that existed at the time. What was established by that answer however was a general principle –

When you enter the covenant of marriage, you become bound to, and one flesh, with the person of your choice, and the only thing that can legitimately render that oneness void is where one of you commit a form of sexual immorality (adultery).

This is confirmed by the subsequent command given by Paul from the Lord to the church addressed to both wives and husbands. Now to the crux of why I write this piece:

What Does This Mean For You If You’re Married?

I truly hope you are in a place of peace – for even Paul when he addressed the deserted spouses said God had called each of us to live in peace.^{1 Cor 7:15} But in case you are struggling to remain committed to your covenant, but you truly desire to live in obedience to Jesus’ hard teaching, then perhaps the first step towards peace is removing divorce from the options available to you. (I’m not talking about physical separation especially if your life or health is at immediate risk). Because I imagine that the idea of walking away from your covenant may seem like an easier solution than staying and fixing what may require a lot of work to fix. It may be hard, especially if it looks as though you’re fighting for it alone, but as much as possible, do all you can to exhaust all the avenues of help you can get, with the help of God, and attempt to fix it – for the sake of your own joy and sanity.

But if you truly have come to your wits end, and you possibly cannot see any way out other than a formal legal divorce, then at best, I can only encourage you to take comfort in the Lord, but also remind you that the options divorce leaves you with are limited – either to remain unmarried after, or return to the one with whom you will always have a covenant, assuming your covenant with him is not broken by the time you return.

And If You’re Unmarried…

It is really because of you I wrote this piece, friend. Because you have all the liberty to save yourself a world of worry and heartache while you still are “free” and have the liberty to choose such that you do not have to worry about how to exit a marriage. I have heard of devout believers who are in extremely unhappy situations who quietly pray for the death of their spouse because while they desperately want to leave the relationship, they know that in the absence of sexual immorality, divorcing their partners will be in disobedience to Jesus’ words. You have the unique opportunity to decide for yourself who you want to be forever “shackled” with. So, I write this for you to encourage you – please, with all that is sacred and with all humility, don’t take that decision lightly.

There is a real temptation at a certain point to simply chuck it and go with whoever seems like a not-so-bad idea at a particular season of your life. Please, don’t jeopardize your future for convenience.

Discover who you are, what you’re called to do, what values/character traits and strengths you need in a partner in order to advance that call. Choose kindness, choose the fear of God, choose someone you not only love but genuinely also like and who also genuinely likes you and who wants you in their lives and in their space, someone who genuinely wants to see you blossom.

Because you’re literally stuck with them for life if you want to live in obedience to Jesus. You’re locked for life if they don’t break your covenant by adultery themselves – and you don’t want that to become your prayer topic as a spouse. And so again, with all that is sacred and with all humility, don’t take that decision lightly.

I end with the words of the writer of Hebrews: Marriage is honourable among all. ^{Heb 13:4} It can be a beautiful experience if you’re graced with a partner who’s not afraid of the hard work of working through difficult differences, through staleness in the relationship and with dealing with the responsibility of uncomfortable seasons in your journey together. With all my heart, I wish you wisdom and success in this journey of partnership.

Love,

Rad! ♥️